Tag: forgive

When Church Hurts: Forgiving the People Who Have Hurt Me the Most

On By pastorjonathanIn About Jonathan, discipleship, Ministry, Prayer6 Comments

Earlier I shared a post in a series about how I became a follower of Jesus Christ.  One of those posts dealt briefly with a series of events that have marked my life beyond all others.  I shared about how my father had a stroke and was subsequently asked for his resignation as pastor.  This series of events occurred when I was 14 years old and still impact me to this day.

My initial response was rebellion and hatred.  For years I was bitter and clung to a hatred of the church in general and this church in particular.  It was a poison in my soul.  It wasn’t until years later that I would look back at this series of events and say with Joseph, “You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good” (Genesis 50:20). And with the Apostle Paul, “For we Know that He (God) works all things together for our good” (Romans 8:28).

The transition took place when I found a way to forgive this church and trust God to remove the bitterness from my heart.  In theological circles they debate this matter of forgiveness like its optional.  Some say that we have a right to hold on to unforgiveness until someone repents of their sin against us.  This is a position that I used to justify my greedy and unforgiving heart.

Then it happened.  I was confronted with the simple text of scripture.  Matthew 6:14-15 tell us that if we don’t forgive others as God has forgiven us, we won’t be forgiven. Some debate that God doesn’t forgive us until we repent of sin, but they miss the bigger picture.  My repentance doesn’t merit God’s forgiveness.  God’s forgiveness was purchased for me through Jesus Christ who died on the cross for my sin. God the offended, made the peace-offering.  As the offender all I had to do was receive the terms of forgiveness. I needed to agree with God that I was a sinner, turn from my sin and follow Jesus (repentance).

So now, if I was to forgive others as I have been forgiven I needed to be the one who would make the peace-offering.  That is what God did for me.  That is what the king did for the servant at the beginning of the parable in Matthew 18:23-35 when he realized the servant couldn’t pay.  He assumed the debt.  That is what the servant is guilty of not doing with his fellow servant.

So one day I made my way back to the church where it all happened. I sat in the back wondering how one goes about forgiving a church and wrestling with what to do. Then they did something peculiar.  They opened the door for the people in the congregation to share what the church had meant to them. I was resistant.  I had a burning inside that I had to get up and share.  Finally it seemed like they were closing the door for people to share and I awkwardly sprang to my feet and began the slow walk to the front.

By now the eyes of the congregation were on me.  They knew who I was.  I imagine they were all wondering at what I was about to say.  Some gave me an ice-cold glare.  Others had a sympathetic smile.  Still others looked on with a puzzled look on their face.  And I shared, “This church hurt me.  Several years ago, you hurt my father and you hurt my family.  You have left wounds on me that cut deep.  I carry scars and nightmares to this day because of what happened here.  But today I have come not to curse you, but to bless you.  I forgive you! I forgive you all for everything!”

At this point tears were gushing from my eyes and knowing we were at the end of the service, I asked to close in prayer.  I put my hands on their pastor and began to offer a prayer for blessing upon him, his family, and the ministry of the church.

Later that night I found out from the pastor and other that the church had begun a process of repenting of their past sins.  I was blessed to have the pastor pray and offer a blessing over me.  Today I pray for that church on a regular basis asking God to move in them.

Given my past it is somewhat ironic that God would call me into the ministry.  Since then I have been blessed to serve with two really great congregations (one for over ten years) and alongside two great pastors.

  • When Church People do Bad Things
  • 3 Things you should know before you Judge your Friends
  • Forgiveness
  • My Story: A Trial that Proves a Faulty Faith (part 2)
  • 7 Steps of a Unified Group

    • Review: “The White Horse King” by Benjamin Merkle

    On By pastorjonathanIn books, leadership1 Comment

    The White Horse King: The Life of Alfred the Great
    by Benjamin Merkle is an amazing book filled with great detail about the awe inspiring life of Alfred the Great.  Alfred was the fifth son of AEthelwulf  king of Wessex (AD 839 – 858) and by all accounts was unlikely to ever assume the throne.  Yet, through a series of unfortunate events aided by the viking raids on the Southern kingdoms of what is now called Britan, Alfred found himself wearing his father’s crown and tasked with finding a way to forge peace and prosperity for his people in the midst of viking rampage.  Alfred was eventually not only successful in repelling the viking onslaught but was able to initiate several military, cultural, and societal reforms that have set the baseline for Western civilization.

    Admittedly I did not know much about Alfred the great before I picked up this book, I was just looking for an inspiring and challenging biography.  I found that and so much more in this book.  I was greatly blessed to glean several leadership and life lessons from how this noble Anglo-Saxon and decidedly Christian king handled adverse situations, dealt with his enemies, inspired a literary revolution, and raised the quality of leadership in his kingdom.

    This is one of the best and most inspiring historical biographies I have read to date.   The White Horse King is an amazing book. The retail price is $14.99 (Paperback), and is available at places like Amazon.com for $11.24. I gave it five stars (and would have given it more if I could).

    Disclosure of Material Connection: I received this book free from Thomas Nelson as part of the BookSneeze program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

    Here are some other book reviews:

    Review: The Ishbane Conspiracy

    On By pastorjonathanIn books4 Comments

    I generally don’t read a lot of fiction, but this book was handed to me by one of my student’s parents and I found that I couldn’t put it down.  Randy Alcorn, noted author and speaker, co-wrote this book with his two daughters, Angela and Karina.  Though I have heard of Randy Alcorn before, this is actually my first book of his to read.  Needless to say it won’t be my last.

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    The story that Randy Alcorn and his daughters weave in The Ishbane Conspiracy centers around the lives of four teenagers Jillian, Brittany, Rob and Ian and takes place over the course of a year.  Three of the teenagers are making the transition from high school to college.  Rob, the oldest in the group starts the book as a college freshman.

    The authors do a great job of leading the reader through the high school world and touch on real life subjects.  As a student pastor and having been on high school campus’ quite a bit over the last twelve years it is surprising how accurately the issues are represented in this book.  Yet, the Christian students in this book struggle through these issues (or walk with their friends through these issues) and though the road is difficult at places, they find guidance and deliverance in Christ.

    Each chapter is followed by a letter from one demon to another in a similar style to C.S. Lewis’ The Screw Tape Letters.  The letter’s contain hell’s strategy for leading students to death, or at least a wasted life.  The letters increase in length throughout the course of the book.  Each one providing more commentary on the temptations that teenagers face.

    Due to the mature themes that run through the book I would recommend it to parents and students in high school.  The issues are real and aren’t really over-exagerated, but may appear shocking to parents who don’t have kids in high school.  If you are a high school student looking for a practical guide on how to live for Christ in your school, a parent looking for more insight into the issues that surround teenagers today, or just a good fan of great fiction, I highly recommend this book to you.  I give it four out of five stars.

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    Disclosure of Material Connection: The opinions I have expressed are my own. Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

    7 Steps of a Unified Group

    On By pastorjonathanIn Devotional, Ministry3 Comments

    My aim in writing this post is to point you in the right direction on unity.  Most often the discussion on unity is centered on how a group of people are not unified and how they should be.  The problem with this kind of discussion is that it tends to lead the group to become even more fractured as those discussing the issue of unity become frustrated with the behaviors of others (all the while missing thier own missbehavior along the way).  Supporting the following seven steps is one underlying principle: We find unity in common purpose.  For the Christian and hence the church (youth group, etc.) unity is found in Glorifying God through Jesus Christ.

    Puzzling

    Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ, from whom the whole body, joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love. Now this I say and testify in the Lord, that you must no longer walk as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their minds. They are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them, due to their hardness of heart. They have become callous and have given themselves up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity. But that is not the way you learned Christ!– assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil. Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

    (Ephesians 4:15-32 ESV)

    Step One: Speak the Truth (In Love)

    In Ephesians 4:15 and again in verse 25 we are told to “Speak the Truth.”  Truth speaking should always come from a heart of  love and a desire to grow and see others grow in the likeness of Christ (Ephesians 4:15).  We are not to be deceptive.  We are not to lie, manipulate or pretend in front of others about what is going on in our lives.  Speaking the truth about our selves makes us vulnerable and accountable for the sake of the larger vision (seeing more of Jesus in our lives).  Speaking the truth to others shows genuine concern and accountability.

    Step Two: Be Angry, but don’t sin

    People are not perfect and the truth is that sometimes you will get angry with others.  Anger is a natural emotion.  However, many people use anger as an excuse to sin against others. They justify small and petty acts of retalliation like gossiping about someone, being mean or hostile to people, or defriending them.  However, these expressons of anger rarely solve the problem, they usually create more problems like bitterness, division, and hatred.  A better expression of anger is to address the issue that has stired the anger (in an non-sinful way).

    We are  told to not to let anger go beyond a day (Ephesians 4:26).  Letting anger grow and fester becomes a foothold for the devil to create more issues in our life and keep us side tracked from the greater vision of Glorifying God.  If you find yourself handeling your anger in the wrong way you need to repent and ask God for healthier ways to evaluate and express your anger.  Don’t let anger cause you to lose focus.

    Step Three: Be Generous…Work to Share with Others

    Ephesians 4:28 reminds us that we are not to steal, but rather work hard so we will have something to share with everyone else.  Too often people come looking for what they can get, rather than what they can give.  In nature parasites are identified as creatures that take from thier host, but never offer anything in return.  If we all come to the group as parasites looking for what we can get, but never offering to others we have missed the point of growing in Christ likeness.  We are to work hard to so we have something to offer everyone else who is there.  You will find the more you serve and meet the needs of others, the more your needs are met.

    Step Four: Watch what you Say

    Paul says in Ephesians 4:29-30 that we should guard out mouths.  You do not glorify God by using your words to teardown, belittle, and destroy the efforts of others.  You grieve the Holy Spirit of God when your words are designed to tear down.  You may have a different preference than others on certain side issues, but you do not have  to verbally assault everyone who holds a different opinion than you.  When you talk about or too your group it should be to build it up, not to tear it down.  (By the way, this includes talking about all those people who are “in the way” of your group being unified).

    Step Five: Put Away Bitterness

    Bitterness is a disease that is rampant in our churches and congregations today.  Bitterness happens when you disagree with someone (rightly or wrongly) and you hold  a grudge.  The grudge grows and festers to effect the way you see that person.  What started out as a small dissagreement between two people is all the sudden blown up into a larger scale drama where the person you are holding a grudge against can’t do anything right (in your eyes).  Bitterness causes us to lose focus on Glorifying God and growing in Christlikeness and focus on small and petty disputes.

    Step Six: Be Kind

    The goal of a group is to work to gether to glorify God.  Kindness goes a long way in helping others to feel accepted, invited, and part of the project.  Kindness can disarm the wepons of the enemy.  Deal with others kindly (they way you would want to be treated).  When you deal withpeople who are not  on task with the goals or mission of the group treat them kindly.

    Step Seven: Forgive

    This is probably the hardest step to take.  If you have been wronged it can be difficult to forgive a person for what they have done.  I’ve written more on forgiveness here.

    Forgiveness

    On By pastorjonathanIn Devotional, Kingdom of God3 Comments

    The idea of forgiveness can be a hard one to handle.  It is not always easy to forgive or even to ask for forgiveness.  Sometimes it seems like it is easier to harbor a grudge or exact our revenge than to forgive.  However, forgiveness is not just an option but it is a mandate for the Christian life.  We are told repeatedly in the New Testament that we are to forgive others as we have been forgiven in Christ.

    Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

    Peter once asked Jesus just how often he was supposed to forgive his brother.  He thought he was being generous when he asked, “Up to seven times?”  Can you imagine his shock when Jesus replied, “up to seventy times seven.”  Then Jesus told this parable.

    “Therefore the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began to settle, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. And since he could not pay, his master ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him, the master of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But when that same servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii, and seizing him, he began to choke him, saying, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and pleaded with him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison until he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their master all that had taken place. Then his master summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you pleaded with me. And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his master delivered him to the jailers, until he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”  (Matthew 18:23-35 ESV)

    The point of this parable was to show the heart of God in forgiveness.  God does not forgive grudgingly because He is obligated.  He gives it freely!  Our God is a benevolent God!  He lavishes His grace and mercy upon the most unworthy people.  Just as the master did not owe his servant forgiveness of the debt, but had compassion and forgave the debt anyway, so God forgives us our debt of sin through Christ.

    But when we are recipients of such extravagant forgiveness we are supposed to live with the memory of that forgiveness and let if affect the way we deal with others.  This servant got it all wrong when he saw the extravagant grace the master was capable of, yet still forced his fellow servant into prison to pay up.  When you receive abundant mercy you are to show abundant mercy.

    In the same way there was another time that Jesus told a story of extravagant grace to teach us about forgiveness.  Do you remember the story about the lost son found in Luke 15?  A young man goes to his father and asks for his inheritance and leaves home.  Once he has been away for a while and has spent all his money he finds himself feeding pigs and even eating their slop just to get by.  He remembers his father’s house and how well the servants there have it and he determines to go home, not looking for forgiveness, just a place to work so he can be clean and eat a good meal.  But when the father sees him in the distance, he runs to the boy and orders a feast in his honor.  We understand the father in that parable to be God and the lost son to be a repentant sinner.  The boy had taken his inheritance and gone.  He did not deserve a feast.  He did not deserve a warm embrace.  He did not deserve his father’s forgiveness.   Yet, when he topped that hillside and the father saw his form in the distance … he ran!  When a repentant sinner comes to God, God is always quick to forgive.  He lavishes his grace upon us when we do not deserve anything from his hand.

    The character of God is marked with the ability to forgive great debts and likewise the character of a Christian is marked with the ability to forgive and seek forgiveness.  Paul admonishes the Colossian believers in Colossians 3:13b, “even as Christ forgave you, so you must do.”  He also told the Ephesians in Ephesians 4:32, “be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.”  Each time the appeal for forgiveness is based on the character of God to forgive us.  We should forgive others, because we have been forgiven a greater debt.  In forgiving others we are displaying the character of Christ!  We are called to a lifestyle of extravagant grace.

    We are to be like God in our forgiving.  This is tough stuff.  It is not really easy.  I wish it were.  The thing that enables us to forgive is not found with in us, it is rooted in the character of God!  I am free to forgive others debts against me because I have been forgiven my debt.