Tag: marriage

3 Christmas Meditations on Being a Parent (Part 2)

On By pastorjonathanIn Devotional, Family, parentingLeave a comment

2. Mary and Joseph Knew they would have to let go.

I wonder if knowing the destiny of Jesus (at least vaugly) effected the way that Mary and Joseph went about parenting? In a very real way they were forced to come to terms with letting him go.  Letting go can be one of the hardest parts about parenting.

I see parents who are clinging to their children and holding on too tight.  Sometimes this comes from a natural desire to protect their children from harm (there are other reasons).  No one wants to see their children hurt and or know that their child could be in danger.  Yet, some parents take this to an extreme by hampering their children from being able to  spread their own wings.  Sometimes we grow so accustomed to making decisions for our children, that we forget the goal of parenting is to train our children to make their own decisions.

Just like an archer has to let go of the arrow before it sails into the air and finds its mark, Parents are called on to release their children.  I think this happened in a very real way for Mary and Joseph.  They knew their was something special about Jesus from the start.  How do you raise the savior?

How would we parent differently if we knew the destiny of our children?  What if God called them to the heart of darkness a world away?  Would we be prepared to send them? Guide them? even direct them? My prayer is that he does call them there and that we are willing to let go and even send them.

To be honest each day I function on the edge of insanity.  Every time the road is wet and my wife and kids are in a car somewhere without me, I keep the phone close, praying that they are ok.  I could easily become compulsive about the safety of my children.  “No” could easily become the most dominant word in my vocabulary for no other reason than that “No” is safe.  But the joy of parenting isn’t found purely in seeking safety but in the risk of providing direction and  letting go.

Balancing Ministry And Family (Part 1:Children)

On By pastorjonathanIn About Jonathan, FamilyLeave a comment

My dad was a pastor and church planter while I was growing up.  He would often work a regular job, pastor a small church, and do a bible study and some ground work in a community or ranch (sometimes up to 60 miles away) that would lead to a church plant.  Needless to say he was busy.  (Oh, and I forgot to mention there were four of us kids, all begging for his attention.) Yet, unlike several PK’s (pastor’s kids) I knew my dad always had time for me.  I never felt like I was in competition with the church or the ministry for his time.

http://mrg.bz/FSOPLN

Perhaps this was because my Dad was incredibly gifted in balancing his time.  I still remember the fishing trips to a bend in the river 15 miles outside of town, the fossil hunting expeditions, catching snakes, looking for arrowheads, discovering a dinosaur bone, and pestering him while he worked on the car that always seemed to stay broken.  My favorite memories though are the weekly trips we would take out to a Bible study he was leading.  I was blessed to have a 45 minute ride each way with my dad.  All along the way there we would talk about life.  All the way back we would listen to radio preachers like John MacArthur, Charles Stanley, and Chuck Swindoll.

So then fast forward several years and now I’m an Associate Pastor of Students, taking graduate classes, and have my own little girl looking at both the ministry and my daughter thinking (with all of my other responsabilaties) that there isn’t enough time in the day.  How did my dad ever do it?  Then I realize that he didn’t view his time with me and ministry as in competition, but as a complimentary.  Sure we took special trips to hunt for arrowheads or go fishing (Quality time) but along the way he was sure to get plenty of time (quantity time) with me along the way through taking me along on some of his ministry outings.

So I stole a page from my dad’s playbook when it comes to stretching the hours in a day.  I take my little girl to the sporting events that our students are playing in.  Last week we went to three different games.  She got to watch a basketball game, a race, and a football game all in one week.  With my wife being a stay at home mom and pregnant with baby number 2, this works out well to give her a little personal mom time while Rebekah and I hang out and cheer our students on.

We also schedule consistent father daughter hangout time.  Right now because of her age its usually pancakes at McDonald’s every Friday morning.  She usually hangs out with me after I run in the evenings and I tell her everything I did that day (which has evolved into her telling me about her day… very strange for a 3 year old).  Sometimes I’ll walk instead of run so she can “run” with me around our neighborhood.

How do you ensure that you are spending quality time with your children when you are busy?

A Few Thoughts on Fatherhood

On By pastorjonathanIn About Jonathan, Family, Manhood9 Comments

Getting ready for kid number two in a few months has me reminiscing about fatherhood.  So I thought I would take a moment and share about how God prepared me for fatherhood the first go round.

My preparation for fatherhood began when I was a child watching my own father.  I was gifted to have a strong and capable dad.  I learned so much from him, even when he wasn’t looking.  I must have been a really good student of my father, because I catch myself saying things and acting just like him.  And that’s not bad, because I really love my dad and feel blessed to be his son.  I wonder if he knew he was teaching me about being a father?

Rebekah Writing in the Sand

Then there was the day that a friend of mine told me that he and his wife were going to have a baby.  We were memorizing scripture together and so we turned our hearts to Psalm 127.  We discussed the meaning of the Psalm and that day Psalm 127 began teaching me that children are a blessing. Though I was young, unmarried, and a long way from fatherhood, God used that psalm to shape my life.  I longed for the day that I would be a dad.

Along the way my job has afforded me the opportunity to watch parents in action.  I have been blessed to see some great parenting from discipline to discipleship.  I’ve learned a lot through the years by partnering with parents in student ministry.

Yet, nothing could have prepared me for the day when I was told I was going to be a dad.  In our marriage, it was something Avia and I were hoping for, but not exactly planning on quite so soon.  Yet there we were, newly-weds, five-months into marriage and Avia became aware that all was not as it used to be and took a special trip to the doctor.

One Wednesday night I came home to see my wife and in my chair there was a little teddy bear holding a pregnancy test.  Tears filled her eyes and then mine and then I quoted Psalm 127.  We were nervous.  We didn’t know what parenthood would be like, but we knew this was a blessing from God.

Nine months later I held my little girl in my arms for the first time.  I held her up and quoted this same Psalm over her and prayed and thanked the Lord for this blessing in our lives.  Then I dedicated her to the Lord and asked for guidance to be a godly father.

“Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain. It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep. Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.” (Psalms 127:1-5 ESV)

Where has the Time Gone?

On By pastorjonathanIn Time Management1 Comment

When I was little Ifreeimages.co.uk photos of objects used to imagine all the free time I would have when I was a grown up and didn’t have homework.  I dreamed of all the places I would go, movies I would watch and fun I would have with all my extra free time.  I thought life would be easier as an adult.  Then came college and I quickly found my self busier than ever and I couldn’t wait to graduate.  Then I graduated and was a full-time student minister at a small church and I couldn’t wait to get married.  Then I got married and couldn’t wait to have kids.  Now I have a kid and one on the way and I remember the days of high school and college when I thought my life was busy. Now school, a half-dozen clubs, a few sports programs and a part-time job look like easy street and I wonder what I did with all my spare time.

I guess I have always had the same 24-hours in a day that every one else has had, it’s just that my responsibilities have multiplied.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining.  I have a beautiful wife that I love more than words can express.  I love my daughter and love to teach and train her in life.  I enjoy my job (well its really a calling to shepherd students and families).  And I really don’t have a desire to go back to high school or college.  I just remember when life was simpler and my priorities seldom ever came into competition with one another.

You see, it’s not really time that I am worried about.  It is the priories and responsibilities that compete for my time.  I don’t want to drop the ball as a husband, father, or pastor.  Really dropping the ball in any one of these areas can have a damaging effect on the others.  I guess the key is balance in spending the right time in the right area’s of my life so that I know I have given my best to God, my wife, my children and those I am given charge over.

These next few days I will be blogging on time, responsibility, and balance from a my perspective.  I will share some of the tips, insights, struggles and resources I have discovered along the way.  I realize life is a journey and I haven’t arrived yet.  Feel free to comment and share how you use the time, care for your responsibilities, balance your life or resources that you have found helpful.  I look forward to learning as well as sharing.

Grace,

Jonathan

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Why Asking Her Dad Was Easy

On By pastorjonathanIn About Jonathan, dating, Manhood2 Comments

Avia and I decided that we were ready to be married.  Now all I had to do was ask her dad.  I know for most guys this kind of thing seems scary.  I generally don’t think it is easy to ask another man if you can marry his daughter.  I can think of a lot more comfortable situations.

Engagement Pictures

What paved the way to make this an easier situation for both her father and I was that we knew each other (though I can’t ever imagine being completely prepared for another man asking to marry my daughter). I had been hanging out at his house three or four times a week for years.  I had been getting to know Avia in the context of her home.  Not to mention that before we started dating, I asked her parents, particularly her dad, if we could date with the view toward marriage.

So when it came time to ask, though I was nervous, it wasn’t hard or difficult to muster up the courage to go see her father.  It was natural and easy.  I really respected Avia’s dad and I knew I was asking to take responsibility for his daughter.  Such things demand man to man conversation.

The details of the discussion we had are private, however, it is sufficient to say that two men met that day and discussed life.  The advice I received and continue to solicit from time to time was excellent advice not only on marriage, but on what marriage would be like with Avia.  I’ve come to the conclusion that no man, before her husband, knows a woman like her father.

With the blessing of her father, mother, and even her brother (after all I had inadvertently used him to get to know Avia better), I set out to propose.  I had the ring in hand, a bible passage to examine, and an anxious girl friend who couldn’t help but wonder when and how I would ask (it was hard for her to ignore that I had gone out of my way to talk with her father, mother, and brother individually).

Finally the time came to go to a Thursday night college Bible study that I was co-leading.  I drove by Avia’s house and picked her up.   On the way, I remembered that I had left a book in the sanctuary of the church and needed to go by and pick it up.  As we came into the sanctuary I had already arranged for all the lights to be off, except for one spotlight shining down on the altar.  The altar was empty except for a large bible open to Ephesians 5 and in between the pages there was an engagement ring.  I got down on one knee and said, “I’ve been reading this passage.  I am scared and I am humbled by it because I don’t think I am everything I need to be.  But it does describe the type of man that I want to be and will work the rest of my life to become if you answer yes to my question in just a moment.  Today I have a ring for you and I want to put it on your finger.  It is a promise, a promise that in a year from now we will stand together in this same place before God, before our parents, before a room full of witnesses and declare our love for each other and accept each other in marriage.  Avia, will you marry me?”

She said “yes” and something to the effect of “you talk too much.”  We embraced and read Ephesians 5:22-33 talked about how we would try and fulfill that passage and prayed together.  Then we went to a Bible study and she showed off her ring.  Eight months later we were married.

Grandpa’s Secret Strategy for Successful Dating: And Why it Worked

On By pastorjonathanIn About Jonathan, Family, Manhood, WomanhoodLeave a comment

I have this Bible at home.  It is worn out and falling apart from years of use.  It belonged to my grandfather.  The notes and circled verses in the Bible tell of his conversion to Christianity, his love for his wife, and a few other details.  He was one of the greatest men I have ever known.  Though he wasn’t perfect, he was consistent as a role-model.  I used to love to sit with him for hours and hear stories about him and grandma.  I figured if anyone knew how to live out what it means to be a Christian in the context of a marriage, it was him.  So one day, a year or two before he passed away I had the opportunity to ask him to reflect on what it takes to build a strong marriage.  I learned a lot that day, but the thing that stuck out to me the most was that he was genuinely friends with my grandmother.

Grandpa's Bible

He shared about how in each venture they undertook, from the farm, to owning a grocery store, to working together in a retirement home, that he loved having a work situation where she was never far and could be by his side.  They were truly great friends and worked well together. If I was going to use my grandparent’s blueprint for a successful marriage, one thing was clear, Avia and I would need to work well together.

This is really an important issue when it comes to picking and evaluating a future spouse.  Men and women were meant to compliment one another.  That is the gist of Genesis 2:18. God did not intend for Adam to tend the garden alone and made Eve to be his helper.  Men and women were made to work together.  So the question was, would Avia and I work well together?

To evaluate this and make sure we were building a relationship on trust rather than emotion we took several practical steps.  We didn’t kiss for the first several months that we dated.  We searched for common interests.  We babysat kids together.  We cooked meals together.  We played indoor games like Scrabble.  We played tennis together (and learned its better if we don’t play on the same team).  We worked on crafts together (like sewing identical teddy bears and painting small ceramic houses).  The point was to work on common projects and see how we related.  Most of this we did in her parents kitchen or living room where they could see us interact.

During this time we also sought out the advice of couples of all ages.  We sat down with newly wed couples and asked what they wished they had done to prepare for marriage.  We interviewed older couples with grandchildren and asked them the secret to their success.  We watched them interact.

Through this process we learned a lot.  We learned to communicate.  We learned it was okay to disagree.  We learned what we liked and didn’t like.   We learned how to express our feelings.  We learned our weaknesses.  We learned our strengths.  We learned that we were growing more in love with each other.

Then one night as we were reading the Bible we came to Ephesians 5.  I told her we should study that passage and really start preparing for marriage.  She told me that she didn’t have a ring on her finger and I hadn’t talked to her dad.  She was wise to put a hold on the emotional commitment that such an action would bring until their was a serious commitment toward marriage.  It brought us to a serious point of reflection to see if we were ready to start making preparations for marriage.

21 Days of Bond(ing)

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Fortunately I was also friends with Avia’s brother Fred.  We’d go up to the church gym every now and then and he would beat me in a game of basketball. One night it came to Fred’s attention that I hadn’t seen all of the James Bond movies.  Fred was an avid Bond fan and owned the complete boxed set.  I didn’t have a TV at the time, so he invited me over to their house and we started watching the Bond movies on a pretty regular basis.

This provided me with a great opportunity to spend time with Avia her family.  I wanted to see how she interacted with her brother and parents.  She would often stay up late and watch the movies with us.  I remember one night she was sick and had already  gone to sleep.  As soon as she heard Fred and I were there, she woke up and came to the living room to watch the movie with us.  That’s when I knew she liked me.

As the bond series was ending (21 movies at that time) it became obvious that Avia and I were quickly becoming close friends.  I knew my intentions toward her were for more than friendship and felt it was time to define the relationship.  After we saw the last Bond movie, I asked her to spend the day with me by going canoeing with a large group and a seeing a movie together.  On the ride home I discussed my feelings and thoughts with her and asked her if she would be interested in a dating relationship with a view towards marriage.  We both understood that if either of us saw the relationship wasn’t going to work toward marriage, we would break it off immediately.  She agreed that we could “try it out.”

Then I did something weird.  I asked her parents if it was okay to date their daughter. They had gotten a chance to know me and they definately knew Avia.  I valued their perspective.  I explained that I was not asking to marry their daughter, but to date her with a view toward marriage.  If they said, no, I would respect that.  But my heart turned flips when they said yes!  I valued their observation and input along the way and  welcomed their sound advice.  I now look back on this time as one of the most treasured moments of my life.   That day God also kindled in my heart a warm appreciation, love and respect for Avia’s parents.

What I saw at Picklefish Changed my Life

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Pickle FishPicklefish was a restaurant in downtown Mobile.  I used to hang out a lot in downtown Mobile talking to people on the street about Jesus and it didn’t take long for us to find Picklefish, which had a great atmosphere and the best pizza in town.  One of the cool things about the restaurant was that it had a second level where you could sit and watch everybody go by on the street.

One afternoon a group of my friends and I were getting together to hang out in the downtown area.  I invited several people including a beautiful young woman, named Avia.  At the time I thought there was nothing special about inviting her to come along.  I had invited several people from a group (girls and guys) and she was just one that happened to be there.  She said she would try, but had to babysit and wondered if she could take a child along.  We all agreed that it would be okay set a time to meet.

To be honest, I don’t remember much about the day (other than we were dragging a little kid every where we went).  I do remember at the end of the day as everyone was headed home, I helped Avia put the child in his car seat.  As she drove off, I couldn’t resist the thought that she would be a great wife and mother one day. Then in a moment, it hit me.  She was the one.  She was the one that I wanted to marry.  For the first time in my life I knew love beyond emotion and childish infatuation.  I was ready to pursue Avia with the intent of marriage.  I had never been drawn in so deep by someone’s character.

Even though I already knew Avia and her family, I needed to get to know her better.  I didn’t even know if she liked me.  I was conflicted in my thoughts.  I had never pursued a woman where I was intentionally trying to learn more about her character (rather than living off the emotional highs of just liking someone).  I wanted to get to know her, but at the same time I didn’t want to lead her on (I had become better at defining relationships and establishing boundaries).  So I began seeking opportunities to spend time with her and her family.

The Story Continues: 21 Days of Bond(ing)

It helps to be Mr. Right when looking for Mrs. Right: otherwise it’s all wrong

On By pastorjonathanIn Manhood, WomanhoodLeave a comment

So often when it comes to dating and looking for a future spouse,  the focus is on finding the “one person who was made for me.”  I’ve even heard speakers talk about developing a list of qualities you are looking for in a future spouse and stick to the list. That is really not that bad of an idea (depending on how picky your list is).  I actually had a list but the thought occurred to me, “what if I found someone who fit my list, but I didn’t fit theirs?”

At the time  I was being challenged to discover Biblical manhood and womanhood.  It also helped that near the same time I overheard a girl at one of the local colleges talk about her list.  After hearing her list and evaluating her lifestyle I  thought, “there is no way that someone who matched that list would marry her.”  She was just dreaming because her lifestyle wouldn’t attract the guy on her list.  She would either have to change or change her list.

Such thoughts had caused me to come to some serious introspection and I decided to take some time away from the dating scene (because of my failure to come more introspection before dating, I had proven myself a dismal failure as a boyfriend in a relationship throughout college).  I didn’t want to come to the table looking for Mrs. Right and not be Mr. Right.  It was evident there were things that had to change in me.  I was looking for needs to be met by a girlfriend or future spouse that were meant to only be met in God.

I was  unable to obtain Mrs. Right’s list (I didn’t know God would be so kind as to let me marry Avia) and I thought it was a little arbitrary to blindly make a list of qualities in myself that I needed to submit before God.  So I simply asked God for guidance.  In his kindness I was able to rediscover the books of I Timothy and Titus.  I began to use these books as guides to understanding how to become a godly young man. I also began searching out role models in my life.  Men of character and wisdom who would be wise guides and would give me honest feedback about things I needed to submit before God.

In the midst of this I discovered that one of the qualities of leadership is to be a one woman man (I Timothy 3:1, Titus 1:6).  God broke my heart of the disillusionment that I had been keeping this standard because I wasn’t married.  Though I wasn’t even dating at the time, I was putting on pretense in the form of flirtation that lead several young women to think I was interested in them.  Though I was single and not in any type of defined relationship, my failure to clearly define my friendships and my willingness to lead others on was evidence that I was not a one woman man (part of me loved the attention).  The details about what God worked in me and how it came about probably deserve its own post at a later time.  I only bring it up only now because I see many young single men (and women for that matter) who like I did are casting nets of wide spread flirtation in search of someone rather than baiting the hook with godliness.

    Choosing to Date Differently

    On By pastorjonathanIn About Jonathan, Manhood, WomanhoodLeave a comment

    I remember the day that I called my mom and said, “Had I known it would be like this, I would have never dated.  I would have skipped every prom, homecoming, and barn warming dance (a Missouri thing).  I am hopelessly in love with the woman I want to marry and I just now realized that I have wasted my life  trying to be some other girls’ hero… I am ready to be a husband.” That statement represented a huge paradigm shift that took place in my life from being a serial dater to dating with the intent for marriage.

    Over the years God has blessed my wife Avia and I with the opportunity to share with many single people about how we dated (some would call this courtship).  Sadly the story I will share over the next few blog post will sound completely contrary to the dating culture.  I remember my own years of looking for “love” and going about it in all the wrong ways.  I have sat across the table from enough lonely and desperate people to know that things haven’t changed much.

    If you are single and looking for the right way to date hopefully these blog posts will be an encouragement to you about how God can guide you through this time of your life.  My aim is 3 fold.  1. I will be sharing in a story format how Avia and I came to be married.  2. I will be sharing practical principles and steps we took. 3. I will be sharing the scripture that lead us to those principles and steps.

    Stay tuned…. Here are some of the titles of upcoming blog posts