Tag: daughter

Hurt Feelings, Bad Days, and Little Boys: A Letter to My Daughter About Manhood

On By pastorjonathanIn FamilyLeave a comment

You came in the other day and said, “Ask me about my day?” I knew something was up because when I normally ask you say, “fine.” Knowing you had something to share I put my stuff down and quickly got out of my grumpy dad coming home from work routine and sat across from you in the kitchen. You shared about how an older boy kicked a ball at you and called you a bad name. There were tears in your eyes as you relived the moment and felt a shame that wasn’t yours to own.

Fear gripped my heart and I pressed in to give you a hug. I wondered how deep the would was? I wondered if I could mend it with my words, my hugs, or even my tears? Part of me was desperate to mend your brokenness, part of me was wondering how I might break the boy who made you feel this way, and part of me was glad that you had shared it with me.

The part that wanted to heal your brokenness jumped in first. We talked about how this boy was wrong and how you had done nothing wrong. We talked about forgiveness and cleaning the bitterness out of our hearts. We talked about the gospel and how Jesus had loved us and died for us while we were still sinners. We talked about how hard it was to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us, but we knew that if Jesus commanded us to do that, we could do it in his strength and power. So we prayed for him.

Then I came back and let you know that I was jealous for you. As you father when that boy called you a name, he called me a name. That you are my princess (not the word he called you) and that should it ever happen again he would answer to me when I go to have a conversation with his parents. I let you know that you had a bigger advocate who was willing to take on this older boy who seemed so big and brave on the playground but was tiny compared to your father.

Then I was glad that you had shared this moment so we could walk through it together. You gave me the gift of allowing me to be your dad, to hug you, to guide you, to model maleness different than what you experienced on the playground. My prayer is that you forget this incident ever happened and when you come back to read this you have a hard time recalling the event… but that your character has been impacted by it so you are quick to forgive, know deeply you are loved, and walk confidently into womanhood.

There is a kind of boy who pushes shame on others through his words, his actions and even his stares… There is also a kind of man who removes shame that is not yours to carry, who loves you and will give his all for you. I’ll never stop being your dad, but when another man like that enters your life it will be my joy to walk you down an isle to him and give you away. You are my princess.

Coveting vs Contentment

On By pastorjonathanIn Devotional, FamilyLeave a comment

I taught my daughter the Ten Commandments… She can say them all from memory. Then came the task of defining some of the words for her (she is only six at the time of the original posting of this article). She needed a definition that she could understand for the word “covet.” We did our best and came up with “not being content with what you have, so you try and satisfy your heart with thoughts of possessions that don’t belong to you… This causes you to look for happiness in things instead of God,” for coveting.

It has been interesting to see her process and try to grasp the term coveting. She uses the word coveting, but we try and highlight the positive aspect of being content. The real struggle, as with everything in parenting, is that we are imperfect parents.

Teaching my daughter about coveting has taught me more about my own heart. It seems impractical to chide my child about being content with what she has (and she has a lot), if I am buying up every new gadget out there (I’ve resisted the I-pad ever since it came out). Not that buying stuff is wrong… Coveting has nothing to do with what you buy and has everything to do with your heart. You really don’t have to buy stuff to covet. You can be poor as poor can be and in your heart think that if you just had enough money, stuff, etc. you would be satisfied. If you believe that, then your heart is turning away from God. It’s irrelevant whether or not you make the actual purchase if you look to a product, possession, job, etc. to provide you with happiness. True and lasting happiness comes with a real relationship with God through the Lord Jesus Christ. Remembering his sacrifice and his joy has helped me understand and be more content with what I have and ultimately who I am in Him. Like the Apostle Paul, I have learned to be content (though this is a battle I often fight every day and have to relearn often).

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:11-13 ESV)

This is my prayer for my kids. I know that if they grow up content in whatever situation they find themselves that they will be well rounded happy adults who are more likely to be submitted to the will of God. I wouldn’t want the desire for a bigger house keep them from the mission field (should God call). I wouldn’t want the pursuit of comfort keep them from living for the Eternal.

It’s easy to get distracted, to feel entitled, or to just plain place your hope in an object or status. It’s not that I don’t want my kids to have stuff. All good parents love giving their kids gifts. I just don’t want them looking past the gift to the next big thing and forget the one who gave them all the gifts.

To be honest it’s too easy to look past the Lord’s provision sometimes. If we are not careful we will think our situation in life is less than is should be because we don’t have an appliance, gadget, etc. Yet these things are not eternal; they do not satisfy. We were made for greater things and when we find ourselves content in little or much we are in a place to be used by God who meets all of our needs in Jesus.

The 100 Book Reading Challenge and How it Has Changed Me

On By pastorjonathanIn Uncategorized12 Comments

For those of you following along, you know that I took up the challenge to read 100 books this past year.  I made my page number goal and then some but missed my book goal by 18.  Never-the-less I’m confident that I have read more in the past year than I have in any single year prior.

It’s difficult to asses all the changes that attempting such a goal has had on me.  Yet as I reflect on the past year and dream about the future I cannot help but notice that I have changed as a result of becoming a more disciplined reader. I am different than I was a year ago and here is how:

1. I don’t waste as much time (though I still have the ability).  I thought I was busy before and didn’t have enough time to read more, but I found out that by eliminating or reducing a few small pleasures (like late night TV, facebook stalking,  spending time with my wife and children… Ok! I was kidding on that last one.) that I have more time than I thought I did and can spend it in more productive ways like reading.

2. I’m a faster reader now. I didn’t set out to increase the rate at which I read or even comprehend what I read, but as a result of reading more often it just happened. I read faster now and comprehend better than I ever have (but I’m still not a speed reader by any stretch of the imagination).

3. I’m a more discerning reader.  I’ve learned that the quality of the books you read is more important than the quantity of books you read. My goal next year is not to read more books, but to read better books.

4. My Daughter is a better reader. She’s five and she’s advanced from just knowing the sounds that letters make to reading on a first grade level in the past year. (Technically if you count all the books I’ve read to her I’m well over double my 100 book goal.)

5. I’m actively and intentionally encouraging others to read. This past year I volunteered to mentor a couple of kids at our local junior high and have been impressed to see them start reading at and above their grade level. I’m also involved at my daughters elementary school helping her peers learn their sight words.

I’m sure I’ve changed in other ways as well. These are just the 5 that jumped out at me.  I’ll be sharing more in the coming weeks about my goals for next year! And I’ve got some big ones.  How about you? What are you thinking about challenging yourself to next year?

 

How to Raise a Daughter: 15 Small Steps for Dad’s that Make Difference in the Lives of Their Daughters

On By pastorjonathanIn Family, parenting1 Comment

 Unless the LORD builds the house, those who build it labor in vain. Unless the LORD watches over the city, the watchman stays awake in vain.  (2)  It is in vain that you rise up early and go late to rest, eating the bread of anxious toil; for he gives to his beloved sleep.  (3)  Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward.  (4)  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth.  (5)  Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate. – Psalm 127

 

Children are like arrows, they have to be aimed and let go. Below are a few practices that I have set out to keep up with my daughter that take very little time, but will shape her whole life and prepare her for the future.  I’m not an expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I am intentional.  I hope this list provokes your thoughts on the simple things we do as parents and how they can make a world of difference for your children.

1. Tell her you love her every day of your life (say it multiple times and in multiple ways each day)

2. Teach her that character, not make-up brings out her true beauty.

3. Tell her everything special that you like about her mom on a regular basis (especially in regards to her character)

4. Teach her to give her best effort on every project

5. Tell her you are proud of her (and highlight the things you are proud of, especially when you know she gave her best effort).

6. Give her a hug everyday (even in the teenage years when things get a little awkward and you realize that she’s closer to being a woman than a little girl).

7. Tell her that she is beautiful (just like her mom… give her a womanly role model worthy of emulation and affirm her mother in front of her often).

8. Teach her to be thankful for everything (Thank God for simple pleasures like apples and other fruit that God gave us for our pleasure).

9. Give her responsibility and hold her accountable (nothing says love like trust, expectation, and a little help along the way).

10. Hit Pause on the Disney shows and talk about real life issues (though “family friendly,” most kids shows are centered on someone telling a lie, a weak or non-existent father character, and kids running the show… you are your daughters filter, but you won’t always be… help her discern truth for error even in her entertainment options).

11. Pray for her everyday of your life.

12. Pray with her every day. (and let her hear you pray for her)

13. Teach her to pray.

14. Read the Bible together every day. (Starting with a reliable Story Bible and working into a good translation. Start reading to her and then work into her reading to you, especially if she is younger.)

15. Memorize scripture and Spiritual questions and answers together often (at lease weekly).

 

“Secure Daughters, Confident Sons” by Glenn Stanton

On By pastorjonathanIn booksLeave a comment

Secure Daughters, Confident Sons: How Parents Guide Their Children into Authentic Masculinity and Femininity by Glenn Stanton is a book about raising sons and daughters to be confident boys and girls.  Mr. Stanton argues extensively that men and women are equal, but different.  He bases his argument on Genesis 1:27 but he also makes a solid case for gender differences by utilizing information from various studies done across cultural lines.

Mr. Stanton does a great job of fleshing out the different functions that men and women take place in shaping society.  I was especially grateful for the careful way in which the author outlined examples of strong men and women who exude their masculinity and femininity.  He also does a fantastic job of expressing the influence that a mother and father have on a child’s life.

Overall the book was positive and seeks to be non-offensive.  Perhaps this is also its greatest pitfall.  While I praise Mr. Stanton for a book well written, I also wonder if more might be said about the differences between men and women and how we treat one another if he were not writing for such a broad audience.

I really appreciated this book and can see how it would be for a wise investment for parents regardless of how old their children are.   The retail price of Secure Daughters, Confident Sons is $14.99 (Paperback), and is available around the web in places like Amazon.com for $10.19. I gave it five stars.

If you are looking for more information about the equality, yet uniqueness of men and women check out the website for the Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood.

Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a copy of this book free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group as part of their Blogging for Books Program. I was not required to write a positive review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. Some of the links in the post above are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend products or services I use personally and believe will add value to my readers. I am disclosing this in accordance with the Federal Trade Commission’s 16 CFR, Part 255: “Guides Concerning the Use of Endorsements and Testimonials in Advertising.”

5 Things I’d Tell my Teenage Daugher after listening to “Teenage Dream” by Katy Perry

On By pastorjonathanIn dating, Family, parenting, student ministry, Womanhood2 Comments

Ok before I start its only fair to say that my daughter isn’t a teenager (she’s 4) and I’m really not a fan of Katy Perry at all.  In fact I highly recommend NOT owning a single MP3, CD or whatever. But because Katy is a really talented singer who gets a lot of air time on the radio  and I work with teenagers (and I can imagine my daughter being a teenager one day), I thought I would provide a little dad like perspective.

Here are five things I’d tell my daughter after hearing “Teenage Dream” on the radio…

1. You are beautiful just the way you are and I hope you find a man who accepts you for you… “without your make up on.”

You need to know that you are beautiful.  Anybody can see that you don’t really need make-up… but I can understand you wearing it to make the other girls feel more confident about themselves.  You are beautiful not only in appearance but in ways that really matter beyond how you fix your hair.

By the way there is nothing wrong with being beautiful.  Your mom is the most beautiful woman I know. But just like your mom, your beauty goes beyond your appearance.  Your real beauty shines when you are selfless and giving to others (I Timothy 2:9-10, I Peter 3:4).

Something you should know about guys your age is that some of them can talk a good game. Sometimes guys will say something like “your beautiful,” but they don’t always mean beautiful like a flower (that should be protected and put on display)… they mean beautiful like a good cut of meat (that should be cooked and eaten).  My prayer is that God brings you a man who will appreciate your true beauty.

2. Sex is good and you will want to “go all the way.”  But just because he seems like the right guy now, doesn’t mean that he is the right guy or that it is the right time.  Wait for marriage.

God made men and women sexual beings. Adam said of Eve (before the fall), “A man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Being a woman is part of who you are and as a young woman it is only natural that you would have sexual desires. The key is not to ignore this fact, but to manage these new desires in a way that glorifies God. As a young woman who most likely won’t be married for several more years it is important to guard your purity and have control of your body.

Many guys are living life in transition and are mistaken in their feelings or they carry sinister motives and are trying to manipulate you. A young man worth your time will guard his words and will not lead you on.  The woman pursued by Solomon in Song of Songs offers some wise advice here.  She says, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (Song of Songs 2:7).  Real love is patient and is evident in a young man’s actions long before it appears in his words.

3. Sex is not love.  Inside of marriage it is an expression of love, but outside of marriage its an expression of impatience.

Adam speaks so gently about Eve his wife when he meets here for the first time. The first poem we have recorded is when Adam speaks to Eve and says, “She is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh; She shall be called Woman because she was taken out of Man” (Genesis 2:23).
Marriage is the right place to enjoy the pleasures of sex to the glory of God and without shame. Sex in marriage can fuel intimacy, but sex outside of marriage will fuel frustration.  At this point, after Adam says man shall leave his parents house for his “wife,” the Bible records, “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25).

4. Every Sexual sin is a sin against your body and you will carry scars for you your whole life.

Paul writes in the New Testament to, “Flee Sexual Immorality. Every other sin a person commits outside the body, but the sexual immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18). We can do lots of things that will damage our body, but nothing is as personal as sex. When we engage in sexual acts outside of marriage they have a way of robbing us. Even if they are asexual acts (sexual acts that don’t involve physical contact with another person like viewing pornography, masturbation, etc…). We are to flee from even the temptation of these things. Sex was created as a means of intimacy inside of marriage, outside of marriage it tends to destroy. What was fun for a season causes people to become bitter, calloused, and hurt.

5. If you have ever crossed lines sexually (by or against your own will) please know that I love you and you can always come home.

When you were little I used to protect you from things that would hurt you.  Sometimes I even had to make you angry in order to protect you from things you thought you could handle.  Like when you 3 and  wanted to use the meat cleaver to cut vegetables… You totally thought I didn’t get you or appreciate that you were just wanting to help.  I knew you had the best of intentions, but I also knew that you were not ready… yet.

I knew that there would come a day when you would be fully able to chop vegetables on your own.  My long term goal wasn’t to keep you from chopping vegetables, but to prepare you for it. If you had defied me and chosen to cut vegetables with a sharp knife you most likely would have cut yourself.  If you had cut yourself I would have run to your rescue, held you tight in my arms and done my best to stop the damage.

In many ways as your dad I have set out to protect you.  I have given you really unpopular rules not to keep you from an awesome relationship with a guy, but to prepare you for one.  If you find that you have stepped beyond the rules or were forced beyond, and find yourself hurt… please know that as your dad my response will be to run to your rescue, hold you tight in my arms and to do my best to stop the damage.

This isn’t a get out of jail free card or an excuse to try somethings out.  This is an honest plea from your dad to know that this conversation is not about sex, its about you.  Katy Perry has an awesome voice, but the lyrics of her songs promise more than they can afford.  When it comes to relationship advice, please listen to the old man who taught you how to read, tie your shoes, took you out for pancakes every Friday of your life and is still married to your mother… not Katy Perry.

5 Ways for Dad’s to Be Involved With Their Kids

On By pastorjonathanIn Family, Manhood1 Comment

I am sure there are tons of statistics out there about how much influence a dad has in the lives of his children.  I am sure I have even heard a few before, but I don’t need statistics to know that I need to be involved in the lives of my children.  They are going to learn a lot about life from somewhere and since they were born into my house, it would be good if it came from me.  So here are 5 things I do at a minimum (and would recommend) to be involved in the lives of my kids.

1. Regular Quality Time

I actually got this out of my father’s play book.  Even though there were four of us, he seemed to find time to spend about an hour a week with each of us alone.  When I was younger this was usually a drive out to a bible study and back or a weekend trip to go fishing.  The way this works with my daughter is that we go out (or stay in) for a pancake breakfast every Friday morning.  Its a regularly scheduled deal that she looks forward to every week.

2. Read Together

I love to read (if you can’t tell by the rest of the blog) and often read several pages a day in real books just for school.  But taking time to read to my daughter is essential.  Reading books she enjoys ensures that one day she will like reading too and reading will open doors for her beyond her own world.

3. Play Together

This is a little tricky when you have a daughter.  Though I have played my fair share of doll house, tea party, and princess games, I really prefer to stay masculine and bring my daughter into my world of play. I’ve found getting outside is one of the best ways to maintain my masculinity and play on a real level.  She loves to swing and jump on the trampoline and I love to see her smile.  She also like sitting on my back while I do push ups or letting me pull her around the block in the wagon.

4. Share About Your Day

Most days when I get home I let her share about her day and I give her a play by play through my day.  We started this when she was 3.  At first I wasn’t sure if she was up to the task, but after a few weeks it kind of became a regular thing.  I’ve learned a lot about what is important to her by hearing her share her play by play of the day.  It only take a few minutes but has quickly become a highlight of her day and mine.

5. Use Strong Words of Affirmation

Our children need to know that we love them, that we are proud of them, and that we think they have great potential.  My kids hear that I love them several times a day.  They hear it when they wake up, they hear it when they go to sleep, they hear it when we talk.  There does not need to ever be a doubt that I love my kids.  Its not enough to show it, it  has to be said.

My kids also need to know that I am proud of them.  I let my daughter know that I am proud of her for setting boundaries when people hug her for too long.  I let her know that I am proud of her when she is helpful and when she learns the right sound for a letter.  By letting her know that I am proud of her it reinforces the posetive behavior in her life.

My kids need to know that they have potential.  I enjoy helping my daughter find a vision for reading if she would practice more.  Saying things like, “You are really catching on.  I’ll bet you will be able to read this book to me by the end of February” really sets a goal out there for her and lets her know I think she can achieve it.  I’m not just proud of her current actions and abilities, but I have confidence that she will grow.  My confidence in her gives her confidence to try new things.

3 Things I’d Tell My Teenage Daughter After Watching New Moon

On By pastorjonathanIn dating, Family, parenting, Womanhood12 Comments

Ok before I start its only fair to say that my daughter isn’t a teenager (she’s almost 4) and I’m really not a fan of Twilight.  But because I was forced to see the movie and I work with teenagers (and I can imagine my daughter being a teenager one day), I went to the movies with the eyes of a father.

Here are three things I’d tell my daughter after we watched New Moon together…

1. You are intensely loved by me and worthy of being pursued one day by the right young man.

My hearts desire is that you follow that path that God has for you.  If that includes marriage, then my hope is in giving you away to the right man.  Until then I will do everything I can for you as a father.  I will chase away the creeps, ask you great questions, and perform background checks on any guy that comes through the front door (ok maybe not the last one…but maybe).  I also promise that if you bring home the right guy you won’t find me cleaning my gun or talking about how people get lost in the Everglades and never come out.  In fact it will be a joy for me to give you away one day.  If you bring home the right guy, I’ll pay for the wedding and rejoice on the day that my princess becomes someone elses queen.

2. Some things appear more urgent than they are.

In the movies Edward says all kinds of nice things to Bella (once you take away the creepy 100 year age difference… please never date a man 100 years older than you… thats a whole new level of creepy).  Everyone enjoy hearing nice things like, “you make life worth living.”  Sometimes words spoken softly and sweetly can be mistaken for love.  Real love is a commitment and it takes time to show up.  Guard your self from giving your heart away to anyone who talks a good game.  This kind of talk can make you think that things are more intimate than they are.

Too many young men are careless with their words.  Many young boys are living life in transition and are mistaken in their feelings or they carry sinister motives and are trying to manipulate you. A young man worth your time will guard his words and will not lead you on.  The woman pursued by solomon in Song of Songs offers some wise advice here.  She says, “I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases” (Song of Songs 2:7).  Real love is patient and is evident in a young man’s actions long before it appears in his words.

3. Don’t make strong commitments while your life is in transition.

You have grown up so much from the first time I held you in my arms.  You have learned so much.  Every day of your life I have been amazed by you and I am proud of who you are becoming.  I know one day that if it is God’s will that I will give you away at your wedding.

Right now you are going through a time of transition.  You are no longer a child, but you aren’t quite an adult yet either.  You are changing.  Your body is changing and your thoughts, attitudes, and desires are all changing. It is okay to change.  One of the problems with this time in your life though is that sometimes you may not know what you want.  Or you may want two things.  Like Bella in the movie you may have two guys who like you and you may like them both.

A mature woman will act decisively. Even as you become an adult, when you are uncertain I beg you not to commit yourself to anything until you have figured what you want.  This is the reason for the really unpopular rule about how old you need to be before you can date.  I’ll be honest.  My aim is to give you away on your wedding day both physically and emotionally pure.  I know that purity in your marriage will light an intense fire of intimacy and trust with your husband.

I love you and I truly want the best for you.  That day they handed you to me in the hospital was one of the best days of my life.  Everyday with you had been a joyful adventure. I will always be your father and I will always love you.

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